"No" - Such a small word but yet so difficult to say!

“No” is such a small word,

yet it causes so much stress for many of us.

From an early age, we’re taught to do as we’re told, not to rock the boat, and above all, not to upset anyone.

The unspoken message? We’re somehow responsible for other people’s feelings.

So it’s no wonder that, as adults, saying no can feel uncomfortable, even risky. We fear conflict, disapproval, or letting someone down. And so we say yes…even when we don’t want to, when we have to cancel our own plans, when we don't have the energy and when it quite obviously makes our own life simply more difficult.

Sound familiar?

• “Will you just do such and such for me?”
  No problem (Really thinking: “I don’t have time, how am I going to shoehorn that into my day?”)

• “Would you like to go out on Friday?”
  Yes, that would be lovely (Really thinking: “I’m exhausted. I just want to curl up on the sofa and recharge after a long week. But if I say no, they might not ask me again.”)

• “Can you take me to this place?”
  Yes, of course (Really thinking: “That’s going to cost me time and money. I’ll have to skip the exercise class I was looking forward to.”)

• “I’ve arranged something for us tonight, is that OK?”
  Yes (Really thinking: “Why didn’t you check with me first? Now I have to rearrange everything but at least you thought of me…”)

These are the quiet ways we override ourselves, again and again.

People-pleasing runs deep. It’s often rooted in our early relationships, where our survival depended on staying connected and accepted by our caregivers. As children, we learn to keep the peace, to avoid conflict, to make others happy, even at our own expense. We then grow into adults who continue the same patterns.

But there is a cost to constantly overriding your needs to please others. Over time, it can leave you feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and disconnected from what truly matters to you. You lose sight of who you are and feel lost and unfulfilled. Ironically, by trying to avoid conflict or discomfort, you often end up creating exactly that, internally and in your relationships.

So what can you do instead?

Noticing the pattern is the first step. Recognising you want to change that pattern is the next one. Then it takes practice along with a sprinkling of courage to implement it.

Firstly, start to tune in to when you say yes, when you really want to say no.

When you notice, pause.

Gently check in with yourself:

• Why am I overriding my needs?

• What am I afraid might happen if I say no?

• Whose feelings am I protecting and at what cost to myself?

Be curious, not critical.

Gently remind yourself that your survival no longer depends on pleasing others. You have choice. People who genuinely respect you will accept the answer you give.

Changing any deep rooted pattern takes time and it's not necessarily easy. Being connected to people who support you and want the best for you helps. A community of likeminded individuals can be encouraging and keep you motivated.

But here’s the beautiful part and something to remember: when you start saying no to the things you don’t want to do, you make space for the things you truly want.

And that’s not just freeing, it’s absolutely life-changing.

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